Posts tagged a lame attempt at humor
I was going to try to put a semi-serious post on here, but the Blackhawks have made me emo as of late (and I swear I get three grey hairs every time they blow a lead), so fuck it, here’s some macros I made:
So the Christmas Holidays are over (and a happy belated one to all my readers), so all that’s left to do is to get stinking drunk on NYE, nurse and bitch about the inevitable hangover on New Year’s Day and make resolutions that are forgotten by Valentine’s Day. Seeing as they are rather busy lately, and still a little shaken about losing their Captain for two weeks (MY CREYS), I’d like to do the Blackhawks a favor and make their 2011 New Year’s Resolutions for them:
Bryan Bickell: To never use that I-Pass again.
Dave Bolland: Must remember to only pick your nose when you’re safely in the locker room, *not* when being interviewed on camera between periods.
Nick Boynton: Don’t make any stupid plays that everyone on Twitter blames you for.
Troy Brouwer: Make sure every goalie in the Western Conference knows that your ass smells much better than Buff’s.
Brian Campbell: 3/13 - Spearing Penalty. MAKE IT COUNT!
Corey Crawford: Make everyone chant “Niemi Who?” Oh, and practice not being so damn emo in photographs.
Jassen Cullimore: Call Brent Sopel - ask how he became one of the most maligned athletes in Chicago to a folk hero in a matter of months.
Jake Dowell: Get some national attention for being the grinder with the biggest heart in the NHL.
Jordan Hendry: Use that Walgreen’s gift card from Coach Q to buy some more butt salve for all that time sitting in the press box.
Niklas Hjalmarsson: Contemplate asking Bobby Hull for hairpiece advice. On second thought, just keep that head shaved.
Marian Hossa: Pick up the scoring pace - show Crosby how a God grows a mustache.
Ryan Johnson: Remember not to hide under the bench when “Chelsea Dagger” plays.
Patrick Kane: Use that voice recorder that Toews ordered off the TV for you, so you can remember those girls’ names when you wake up the next morning. Oh and SCORE MOAR PLZ.
Duncan Keith: Stop putting in your dentures using the Norris Trophy’s reflection.
Tomas Kopecky: Super Glue. Helmet. USE IT.
Jeremy Morin: Get a second gold medal for the US at the World Juniors. And be on the ice for playoff hockey come April.
Fernando Pisani: To play 60+ games this season.
John Scott: Fight BizNasty.
Brent Seabrook: Sign a contract extension before May. WITH THE BLACKHAWKS.
Patrick Sharp: Play in the All Star Game in Carolina. And have a Halloween costume in 2011 that doesn’t involve tights.
Jack Skille: Limit crashing into the net and taking it off the moorings to once a game. Also read “Finish What You Start.”
Viktor Stalberg: Remember to cuss under your breath in Swedish every time someone asks if you’ve gone to IKEA with Hjammer lately.
Jonathan Toews: Get better quickly. Then score a hattie against the Blues and moon Davis Payne.
Marty Turco: Find every person that used the #TurcoSucks Twitter hashtag and sign them up for free consultations with a bed wetting expert.
Coach Joel Quenneville: Ignore those phone calls from your wife post game when she tells you one day your face will be permanently purple if you keep getting so upset.
Chicago Blackhawks: SUCCESSFULLY DEFEND THE STANLEY CUP IN 2011!
I meant to do an amusing post about Blackhawks Xmas presents, but due to hinky internet connectivity and general holiday busyness, you’re stuck with this lame attempt at humor. I have some time before the January doldrums hit full stride, so I hope to have a little more content up here in the coming days. In the meantime, EVERYBODY HAVE A SAFE & HAPPY NEW YEARS!